Tuesday, February 25, 2014


I just realized the most viewed post on my blog is the one declaring my faux lesbianism. I feel so bad now, like really, I'm sorry you guys

A Journal Entry

I wrote this yesterday, the book I'm talking about is "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings" By Maya Angelou, enjoy

I am one of many names.
I am unidentified, or at least, that’s one of my names.
I am female as people would like to call me.
But, I feel as if gender should not matter to me anymore.
I am but caught in the middle of the stereotypical world of gender.
Of course, I would label myself with so many of the titles I wish to strip myself of.
I have so many names because I feel as if my name is a curse to me, so I recreate myself.
“You shouldn’t speak, your words are pointless, meaningless” one of the many bullies of my past would say, with a slap to the face or a rough bump to the shoulder.
Many adults wouldn’t think of those as much, they’d blame it on the victim.
And at this point, I agree.
“You’re so ugly, how is it even possible?” Another would say, a few hours later I would look in the mirror and cry at why I was given these features.
“And god loves each and every one of you…” many people at church would preach, but there would be me sitting in the crowd, doubting every single word.
I am trying to free myself of these labels, but find that there is no way, because I am bound to them.
I feel as if they are joined to my being. These cursed labels ripping me apart piece by piece.
I like to think I am strong, and by that I’ve grown a bit of an ego. I don’t like to fail. Anything lower than perfect is unacceptable.
I have weekly questions I answer to my therapist in a journal that are supposed to help me, but really, it’s just something to do to ignore the void in my chest where a deep darkness dwells, reminding me of my many imperfections and idiotic moves.
I find myself, at night, replaying scenarios in my mind that have happened wishing I could go back in time and say what I really meant and felt.
I often give up my own happiness to feed someone else’s. I feel as if I need to make others happy because they deserve more than I do.
I keep telling myself to grow a backbone.
I started cutting in November because I wanted a permanent reminder that I can never be perfect and that I should try not to be, It went further than that to the extent that I cannot give you a true reason I did that.
I often think myself into bad moods, or at least, that’s what the depression quotes tell you. What they don’t say is that sometimes you feel you have no choice but surrender.
I started writing this because I thought I could write a book as good as Maya Angelou’s, I now realize that I was wrong and that I’m going to get in trouble for not really doing schoolwork.
I feel close to Maya in the book I’m assigned to read in chapters thirteen and fourteen because she went mute because she felt as if she was as bad as the devil and hated by god. I can understand where she’s coming from.
I stop my sentences in the middle of saying them because I feel like no one will feel like they matter, a friend pointed that out today.
I am writing right now like this because I feel like I need to get this out.
I feel cried out. From the days I was caused pain.
I try my best in school because I don’t want to be the failure everyone said I would be.
I get lost in my fantasies because I feel like any world other than here is better.
I just realized this writing is kind of poetic and dark, yet random.
I love it when my friends give me compliments, because I only believe it when others say it, and I know them well.
I hate that I can’t hang out with my guy friends cause I feel less fake around them and I feel more safe and “at home” as one would say.
I found my number one reason to live and I feel happy about it, though I doubt I can ever get any closer than I am now to him.
I hate that I can’t have more freedom, though I also feel spoiled because others don’t have as much freedom as me.
I love chocolate.
I love my hair when it’s dyed.
I feel like being emo would help others realize that I’m my own person, and that being free and okay within yourself is me.
I know that last sentence sounded weird but it makes sense to me.
I feel sad that I can’t go to the mall with my friends without an adult practically holding our hands.
I hate that adults don’t understand us teens.
I wish I could go to skating without the drama of having my mom bug me on what happened and if I’m emotionally stressed.
I wish I had a job so I had money so I could move out and live a little bit more.
I hate that no one really tries to get to know me.
I love those simple moments when I know It’s going to be alright and that my cutie can protect me.
I do realize my cutie isn’t mine.
That makes me sad.
I feel as if being dead would be easier, but then I realize I’d be leaving my cutie and my friends and family.
I wish I had a family of my own.
I want to have a bright place in this world.
I want to keep others safe in this world.
I realize that I’m only fifteen and can’t do anything at this age. It’s a cold and painful realization.
I smile softly when I see those cute couples and know how they’re so in love, but then I frown because I’m not sure I’ll ever have that.
I’m scared to start a relationship because I could get hurt.
I am angry at myself that now that I notice my friends annoying habits that I can’t ignore them.
I love how my cutie laughs and smiles when I say the stupidest thing.
I love the way the sun shines in the morning and reminds you that it’s a brand new day.
I love fire.
Fire is a beauty all on it’s own.
The sense of smell is magic.
I love how one little scent can be a real big pick me up.
I love how Niall Horan’s accent is so beautiful and his laugh is so infectious.

I hate how people are so judgmental and hurtful.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Where I’m From
By: Natalie Partna

I am from books,
from mythology and fanfiction.
I am from the imaginary world;
Mythology, folk tales,
I am from nature,
the oak tree, the weeping willow.

I am from music and it's
from country to screamo.
I am from the deepest depths of the heart
and the softest velvet of the soul,
from poetic words,
and love.
I am from sadness,
and from tears.

I am from deafening silence,
where words scream
trying to escape me,
from a world where words can be weapons,
from the pain of the truth.

I am from tears,
the ones everyone else cries,
the only one,
still trying to act strong,

I am from the darkness,
sadness of the light.
I am from the fear,
the cold truth,
the coldness of our world.

I am from the earth,
the green grass to the majestic mountains.
From the confines of my dark room,
the home of me.

I am from superheroes and humans,
mutants alike.
I am from magick and life.
I am from pain and sorrow,
from the past days.

I am from the beginning of time,
to the furthest point in the future.
From happiness,
to sad.
From old times,
to glad.

I am from myself,
I am of myself.
I am strength, (or at least I'd like to think so)
from pain and hurt.
I am from being thrown every which way,
near tears of life at the end of the day.

This is who I am.
This is where I'm from.
This is from history.
This is from life.
This is me.

Article and Essay Response

Defending Emo/Gothic Culture
By ZeeBYoung, Coatesville, PA
The author's comments: I decided to right this because my friend was accused of not being a real Christian because she wore skulls and crossbones, and listened to rock music. I found it absolutely crazy, and decided to share my opinion about it.
What do you think of when you see skulls and crossbones? What do you think of when you hear the word 'cult?' What pops into your head when you think of rock music? Most of you would probably say the devil for skulls and crossbones, and Voodoo and Witchcraft for cult. For those non-rock listeners, you probably pictured head bangers demonically screaming about Hell in your head. But what do they all really mean?
People are criticized everyday for wearing skulls and crossbones on their shirts, or hats, Band CD's, etc. Recently my friend was accused of not being a real Christian because she wore skulls on her T-shirts. When I heard this, I was literally in shock and disbelief. On the website for the band As I Lay Dying, a person accused them of not being a real Christian band because they incorporate skulls and crossbones on their CD covers. So where does all of this criticism come from?
Personally, I believe it stems from the belief that skulls and crossbones are a sign of the devil, when in fact, it's merely a symbol of death.
Death is everywhere. It will eventually happen to everything and everyone. It is a part of life that can not be escaped, no matter how hard we try, and almost every Holy Book in the world practically glorifies it. Knowing death is an inevitable fate, there is no reason to be afraid of it. In all honesty, I think it's something to embrace. If you ask me, I believe wearing skulls and crossbones is just a way of peacefully excepting the inescapable. So why not where skulls and crossbones on your T-shirts, or in your ears, or wherever you want to put them? Why not just embrace what eventually is going to happen to you?
Another thing with a bad reputation: cults. If you think about it, the only thing we know about cults is what we see in the media, and when can that ever be fully trusted? A lot of people are under the impression that just because it is labeled 'cult,' that automatically means it's something evil, and bad, without even knowing what the word cult means.
When something is labeled a cult, it merely means the belief doesn't have enough followers to be classified as a religion. Does that mean it's automatically something to be shunned? No, it doesn't.
Now on to our last topic: rock music. Most people who don't listen to rock believe it's all about Hell, and suicide. This, however, is not the case.
While there are many bands who sing about suicide, death and destruction, and Hell, there are also many that don't.
The band Disturbed has a song called Land of Confusion, which is about how corrupted today's politics really are. Breaking Benjamin – Home: this song is about The Wizard of Oz. Rise Against – Help is on the Way, and Ready to Fall – these songs are about natural disasters an the people affected by them, and how we are killing the planet. Shinedown – The Crow and The Butterfly: this song is about a grieving mother who lost her son. Breaking Benjamin – Into the Nothing: about persevering through hard times. Skillet – Hero: another Christian band, this song is about how Jesus will always be there to save you. The list can go on forever.
People victimize rock, when at the same time, mainstream pop, hip hop, and R&B drowns in sex, greed, weed and other drugs, and disobeying the law. How is that fair?
When you take a step back and really look at things, Emo/Gothic culture is just another part of life, and should not be criticized, or labeled as evil.
Defending Emo/Gothic Culture - AOW Essay
By: Natalie Partna
Defending Emo/Gothic Culture
By: ZeeBYoung
TeenInk (I think)
Published: Unknown
Printed: 9-24-13
I agree that people should not judge people who like to wear dark colors, or listen to rock, or people that are a part of a cult. I think that we should embrace death, prepare for it, live life to the fullest. I also think that everyone shouldn’t be so quick to judge cults without even knowing the true meaning of the word. I also believe that rock and screamo music has more meaning than you would think if you had never heard it before.
The most interesting facts in this article was what people who didn’t understand thought about “skulls and crossbones” and “Cults” and lastly “Rock music” I added screamo before because it relates.
I quote the last paragraph as the words are insightful, “When you take a step back and really look at things, Emo/Gothic culture is just another part of life, and should not be criticized, or labeled as evil.”

Free Write (babble) on Columbus

Christopher Columbus Free-Write
By: Natalie Partna
My thoughts and feelings of Columbus are; he was a jerk, he was mean, he was selfish, he lied a lot, he wasn’t very bright, and I wouldn’t want to be his friend.
But my other opinions on him was; kudos for trying to get to India, I liked how he didn’t care that people thought he was crazy, he had probably been through a lot in his time. You were decently patient having to be on a ship for a long time.
I at first totally abandoned my belief of everyone being wise and smart in their own way when I read that he would subjugate all these people to being slaves when they were so willing to help, were resourceful, and great allies. But I don’t really have a right to judge do I? I tend to judge people but I try not to.
Two things that stuck out to me was, he caused genocide, and that is a big, powerful, sad, emotional thing. The second thing that stuck out to me was, Columbus thought that people who trusted easily and shared things and offered things were stupid, he could have accepted their gifts of kindness not take them all as slaves and kill their people off.
I learned that Columbus did NOT in fact discover America. It was the carribeans. Also I learned that Columbus caused genocide, that’s a horrible thing to do. He wasn’t a very nice guy.
The college version is important to read and understand because it holds more truth than the elementary school one. I also think that they are both equally useful. I think the elementary one should hold more truth though, and a little bit more detailed and story like, not pictures and sentences.
The human casualties did bring us to where we are now in some way. I don’t know how, nor do I think I ever will. I also don’t know what went on back then in full detail. I wasn’t there. I also haven’t been in Columbus’s head, so for all I know, he could be a guy who made bad choices here and there, but was always trying to be good. But also a little selfish. I don’t try to regret what happens in the past, I try to understand the best I can and learn from that experience and move forward. So I believe it was necessary for this world. It brought us to where we are now. Though I wish I knew more about the people that died.
I also don’t know if we’d be here if those people never died. I never will, so I try to accept that, understand that the best I can and move on. So, I think we may or may not, but in my opinion, it doesn’t matter. Their deaths do, their story does, but trying to imagine what would happen if they never died, it isn’t going to change anything, so, I don’t know, and I personally don’t care if we would or wouldn’t be. We are where we are when we are and we should be thankful and thoughtful that we are alive, and that they aren’t. Just another thing to be thankful for on thanksgiving. We are ALIVE. That’s all that matters... to me anyway.

Class Assignment

Vices - Memphis May Fire - Musical Self Portrait
By: Natalie Partna
Drowning myself every night
Me vs Me has always been my biggest fight
I've been so confused for so long
And the answers always seem so far out of sight
So, I fill it up, fill it up one more time
So that When everything is wrong at least I still feel right.
I'm in a tunnel but I can't see light!

I just wanna feel whole again
So I can let you in
I just wanna feel whole again
I just wanna feel whole, Oh!

Where is my self control!
Where is my self control!

And I've been thinking this could be the end of me
Who is this person in the mirror I see
And I have come so far, thought I was so strong
The truth is I just fed myself a lie
For too long.
I never thought this would be me...

But now I'm on the verge of self destruction
How could this happen to me!
I've never been the type to run from anything
Run from anything!

So sick and tired of wondering where My morals have gone
My father didn't raise me to become this
Where did I go wrong!

There is not much left of me
I can't feel the ground beneath my feet
There is not much left of me!

I let everyone around me down
And now I'm headed to the bottom of the bottle just to block out the sound
God I need you now!

I've been thinking this could be the end of me
Who is this person in the mirror I see
And I have come so far, thought I was so strong
The truth is I just fed myself a lie
For too long.
This is my vice, this is me weak.

I need your love to erase this doubt.
I need your hand to pull me out!
Sometimes I feel like I will never learn
Cause the bottles always there when I have nowhere else to turn
Will I ever learn?
Will I ever learn!

I take another sip
The dark room that I'm in becomes dimly lit.
This can't be all there is

And I've been thinking this could be the end of me
Who is this person in the mirror I see
And I have come so far, thought I was so strong
The truth is I just fed myself a lie
For too long.
And the only one to blame is me

Who have I become!
This is my desperate shout!
Pull me out!
Pull me out!
God I need you now!

Artist/Band is Memphis May Fire.

The song is called “Vices”.

1. I am loud and daring.
2. I am lonely and want to feel love.
3. I am sometimes so low I wish I put an end to it.
4. I feel better when I believe in something that is not myself.
5. I can’t will not believe in myself.
6. I don’t know who I am anymore.
7. i don’t understand anything anymore.
8. I feel frustrated and angry.
9. I feel like I’m living in a stream of lies and that I’ll never get out.
10. I feel cold and lifeless.(and  I’ve lost self control)
11. I feel lost and hopeless, so I lose myself.

1. Screamo Music is loud and defiant sounding.
2. “I just wanna feel whole again” also, “I need your love to erase this doubt. I need your hand to pull me out!”
3 “But now I'm on the verge of self destruction” and “And I have come so far, thought I was so strong”
4. “I've been so confused for so long, and the answers always seem so far out of sight “
5. “And I've been thinking this could be the end of me “
6 “Who is this person in the mirror I see“
7. “The truth is I just fed myself a lie”
8. “God I need you now!”
9. “Who have I become! This is my desperate shout! “
10. “How could this happen to me! I've never been the type to run from anything“
11. “Cause the bottles always there when I have nowhere else to turn” and “I take another sip, The dark room that I'm in becomes dimly lit. “ also, “I let everyone around me down, And now I'm headed to the bottom of the bottle just to block out the sound, God I need you now! “
I feel like this song shows meaning, and feelings, I guess that plays a part in why I love it so much. I mean, have you ever felt so frustrated you just wanted to scream. That’s what screamo is about, letting out all that frustration and anger and letting it all out, while sharing your feelings. People say screamo isn’t music, I disagree, music is feeling, music is love, music is understanding, that is all screamo is, they probably just cancel it out because they just think it’s pointless screaming, it’s really not, it’s meaningful, and there are words that are hidden in that screaming, you just have to pay attention. Kind of like a hidden gem in a mine of pointless rock I guess. Not that anything in this song is unimportant, it wouldn’t be what it is if you took the slightest thing out of it. This song makes me feel important and and that my voice is important. I am kind of a lonely person because I don’t get too close to many people because I’m afraid they’ll hurt me. But this song, these words, this frustration, this anger, this is what keeps me going. This is what gives me a reason. Music is what keeps me going, music is what keeps me here, music is what keeps me alive. I don’t trust myself, I don’t trust my tongue. I don’t trust period. Music is getting me there, music is getting me to trust again. Hopefully it will eventually work and I can learn to love and learn to trust.